I just need to say it. I am disappointed and confused.

Ever since we got back from Brazil, my cravings for food have been too strong. I have been unable to resist. Of course I consciously tell myself, “No, you don’t need to eat that” but it doesn’t matter. Whatever part of my brain that controls such things takes control and the next thing I know I’m on the floor sobbing, having just devoured an entire loaf of bread. What’s worse, sometimes I’ll even concoct reasons why I should eat. “You didn’t get nearly as much work done today as you should have. You suck. Might as well eat eight bowls of cereal.” I know it sounds like I’m joking, but I’m not. How fucked up is that? I come up with reasons why I suck, and use it as an excuse to suck more.

Before we left for Brazil, I had my cravings (mostly) under control. I would feel the urge to eat something bad, but I would be able to resist. While we were in Brazil, I had absolutely ZERO desire to gorge myself (accept maybe on water and succos). And then we got back to Seattle…and its been like an unstoppable tidal wave. And, to make matters worse, once you have one bad week, having another is oh-so-easy. The aforementioned micro-excuses turn into much larger problems: “You gained two pounds last week. Just give up altogether. Why bother continuing to fight it? You’re fat. You always will be. Just enjoy what you can.” BAM. 6 Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches down the gullet.

Tuesday was the FIRST day that I was able to stand up to myself (for myself). It felt good. Yesterday, I only had one slip-up (stupid Skinny Cow ice-cream cones. At least they’re only 150 calories…but still, I certainly didn’t need to eat TWO of them). Hopefully today can continue the trend.

I’ve also noticed something rather interesting. If I don’t start eating, it’s much easier for me to simply deny myself any food at all than it is for me to be selective. For instance, if I’m busy working, its very easy for me to say to myself, “Just skip lunch.” But if I go to make lunch, I can’t stop. It starts with a sandwich. Then it becomes an entire bag of Sun Chips. Then, why not, I’ll make a bowl of cereal. Which usually becomes two.

And I KNOW that’s not healthy - skipping meals is disastrous for weight-loss (and health in general).

But this is where I am.

Disappointed and confused.

Since January 3rd, my weight has vacillated between 243 and 248. Here’s where I am today.

Pounds This Period: 0
Pounds Total: 45
Current Weight: 245
Pounds to Go: 25
Weeks to Go: 10
Rate To Go: 2.5 lbs/week

I needed to get this out there. The act of writing this stuff down seems to be very therapeutic for me. So I think I’ll go back to weekly postings - sorry for those of you not interested in reading the diaries of a fat man; it’s more for me than you.

Next on the agenda: to come up with a plan of attack on how to beat this. I think perhaps something as drastic as a planned weekly menu might help me - if I restrict my choices down to zero, I don’t have to rely on my own willpower so much. I’m going to see how today goes. More to come later this week.

Oh - in other, BETTER news. I went through my closet and found that I had about 10 items that fit me. So we went to the Outlet Malls on Sunday and I picked up some pretty hot dress pants and button-up shirts. I must say - I look pretty sexy. ;-) I think that has actually helped me, because they are very form-fitting clothes, and we spent a lot of money on them. And I WILL NOT have them be too small on me. Too big? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY. But I never want to go the other direction ever again.